The Unusual Way
by Spookysstarbuck
Summary: One night changed my life ..." - Addison POV ... I suck at summaries - NEW CHAPTER!
1. Prologue A Troubled Soul

_[Spoilers: Private Practice 3x19, Grey's 6x19]_  
_[Disclaimer: Unfortunately they do not belong to me, I only borrowed them to play with them]_

[Chapter 1: Prologue- Troubled Soul]

There are times I think that I have done more than one mistake in my life. Times when I think if I hadn't have done it, my marriage would still be working. We would still be Derek and Addison. The Dream Team.

But sitting here now with the glass of fresh orange juice on my terrace, I know that my marriage was never going to succeed.

Sure, I could have tried harder in Seattle, I could have done better and more, but after Prom I reached the point where I knew that we no longer had a chance. And then I did it again. I slept with Mark and I slept with Alex but who cared? Nobody.

I am not the girlfriend type.  
I thought there could at least be a short thing with Alex, more than a single time but he didn't want me. A man refused to sleep with Addison Forbes-Montgomery. That was a first.

Mark only wanted sex, always. The day I offered him more, he had to admit that this wasn't about me. Never had been. He left me and Los Angeles.

But there are days, nights that can change everything. A single night can change your life, once somebody said. Twice it had happened already. Twice a single night had destroyed everything I believed in. Once I did wrong, once Derek.

I am good at running away from my problems. Bad at dealing with them. Worse at coping. But the thing I am really the worst at is telling somebody that I am sorry, that it was my mistake, my fault. But I've reached the point where I do not care anymore. Too many things had happened in the last few weeks, months.

Things have changed. I have learned that there are things that you have to cope with, things that you have to learn to understand.

I love watching the waves crash against the beach, the smell of the ocean. I can't live without it anymore. But there have been days I thought that the ocean is too noisy for me, I couldn't sleep through the night when a storm was coming and the waves were crashing hard on the sand.

Over the last three years I have changed a lot. I have gotten used to living alone because my relationships never worked out. The thing with Pete and Kevin: bad timing. Kevin was hot; nevertheless, we were from two different worlds. The time we had was nice but it just wasn't meant to be. Then I wasn't allowed to be with Noah because I can't be that type of woman. I cheated once on my husband with his best friend but I cannot be the woman who destroys a marriage. Then Sam. I've always had feelings for Sam and when we kissed, I really thought that it could work out, but Naomi is my best friend; she wouldn't understand, she doesn't. I can live without sleeping with Sam because I would always have to think of Naomi and what she would say. How long will she blame me, punish me by not speaking to me. He doesn't understand, even now when he's with Vanessa.

And then there was …is Pete. We agreed on friends with benefits but somehow something slowly developed that wasn't meant to be. He was still in love with Violet, something I partly understand and partly not.

But right now sitting here on this wonderful Saturday morning I don't want to think about things that have happened now. She wanted to be with her son and it was her right. He couldn't turn her down, he never could. Of course for a long time I have wanted Lucas to have a mother but I already saw myself in this position.

Three months ago, two weeks after Violet came and said that she wanted to see Lucas, who was cradled in my arms, I stepped back and made what was possibly the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I let him go. We didn't fight but he didn't understand in the beginning either. I love Lucas dearly like he was my own child but the truth is that he isn't. Violet is his mother.

Working at the practice has gotten more and more complicated. They still are. Decisions had to be made and this time I had had to make them. Even if Pete doesn't love Violet as he should, he wants her to see the cute little boy, wants her to be his mother. There is no place for me.

Pete and I agreed to disagree.

And the day I thought I would have a breakdown with Pete knocking on my door, asking me if he could come in, was the day I got an invitation from the World Conference of Neonatology which would take place in Luxor, Egypt, a few days later.  
It broke my heart to tell Pete that I had booked a flight to Egypt to attend this conference. I didn't tell him that I needed space to think through all that had happened. I didn't tell him that I still love him; I didn't tell him any of that. But I also didn't ask him to go and in the end he left.  
We never fought, we rarely argued. We were two adults who knew that the situation was hard on both of us. Maybe he slowly started to agree with me regarding the fact that I was standing in his way, between Lucas and Violet.  
The moment he left he said it again; he said again that he loved me, that he wanted me back in their lives. But I cannot. Lucas isn't my child and it would always be an inner fight for me. A fight because I would love him like he was mine, even knowing that the person he will call "mommy" lives so near.  
Maybe we should never have agreed to be friends with benefits in the first place because there have been sparks between us from the very beginning. And to be honest, he is a very handsome man.

The next morning I talked to Dale and Sam about my absence for the following two weeks. Of course I didn't tell Sam the whole truth but he guessed what had happened We never needed a lot of words when it came to things like this. He understood. At least I had the feeling he did.

More than once I tried to get in contact with Naomi but there was no chance. Nobody had a phone number for her in Switzerland. On my home from the practice I dropped by to see Maya and her growing stomach. She was missing her mother a lot and I told her to take care whilst I was gone and gave her the number of another OB if something were to happen while I was gone. She hugged me, cried a little bit, not understanding why there was no support from her mother, why Naomi preferred to go after a boyfriend instead of taking care of her daughter. Was it only because Maya was married now? I stopped thinking about finding the correct reason. Can there be a proper reason not to be around if your first grandchild is on its way? In my opinion, not.

Maybe I shouldn't have declined the opportunity to be a speaker but I didn't even plan on going there in the first place. I thought I would be in my happy new relationship and my next holidays would be spent with "the family" Maybe I should have booked a hotel room and then cancelled it.

I looked through the list of speakers and I remembered most of them – Bommer from Switzerland, Escapulario from Italy, Jacobson from New York, Sabo from Hungary, Tordik from Iceland and so on. But I told myself that this wasn't about acquiring new knowledge but about getting out of Los Angeles and doing a lot of thinking.

I packed my case – casual, elegant, beach wear. Most men in my life couldn't tell the difference between casual Addison and elegant Addison. Nevertheless, Pete could. Pete loved or loves casual Addison as much as elegant, formal, working Addison. I love elegant the Addison best, who has the ability to make heads turn. Sometimes I have to remember that I am not just a world class surgeon, a good OB/GYN for my patients but also a woman.

Thankfully it was no problem to get a room at the Hilton. A nice suite. Pure luxury.

The flight was uneventful, thankfully. I never enjoyed flying like everybody else. Not that I am afraid, I just cannot get comfortable. I have started to do some herbal stuff lately but I wasn't about to ask Pete for help, not this time. So I went through it alone.

The first day of the conference was nice, welcoming – welcome lunch with for the speakers to which I suddenly got invited by the head of the national committee. I didn't want to go in the beginning but in the end I was happy to do so. I got to dress up in one of those classy pencil skirt-blazer combinations which fit my body so perfectly. I was welcomed and asked why I did not present my newest developments, I could smile and tell them that I was no longer in a position to be able to be involved in any new developments because I had changed into the real OB/GYN department. Some thought I'd joke but after a little talking over one or the other glass of wine, they were convinced.

They wanted to know what it was like not to work 80 hours a week and only do two up to three patients a day, some days only one. The afternoon speaker presented his results on "Incidence of cranial ultrasound abnormalities in apparently healthy neonates: correlation to perinatal factors and neurological status". A fairly boring presentation and he had trouble making people understand his English because he was from Uzbekistan. Thanks to my Blackberry though I was able to type an email to Maya, instead of listening to the guy at the podium, answering her questions. Sometimes it felt like she was my little girl, my very pregnant little girl. Nevertheless we have been close since I moved to Los Angeles, kind of at least.  
This was probably the problem because I didn't notice two men sitting down next to me. I went through my other emails till I received a new one, telling me "Red, look up, we are sitting next to you." I looked up and there they sat – Derek and Mark. McDreamy and McSteamy. McAss and McDoubleAss – as I once called them when I was furious. McProm and McOneNightStand.  
Yes, I was kind of irritated. Shocked. What were those two doing in a neonatal conference? It was my specialization. Mine!  
I wanted to get away, think, and blame lots of things on Sam, my parents and Archer. Usually that works. But it seemed like my hope ended the moment I noticed those two men sitting next to me.

I asked them about why they were here and they said with a smile that Derek had stepped in for a sick brain surgeon to talk on "Cerebral function monitoring. A useful diagnostic and prognostic tool in the management of neonatal hypoxic ischemic encephalopathy." Derek tried to play the topic down but it sounded interesting to me. Mark only came with Derek because he wanted to leave Seattle for a little bit, being a grandfather now made him feel old. Things with Teddy hadn't really worked out, that's what I could read from his emails – his very detailed emails. There were nights when I would be reading through a new email from Mark when I would start thinking that he loved to torture me. Months before, I had asked him about our relationship and he had turned me down for Lexie and now it was for Teddy.

Bailey had told me that Derek was married now. I never got what she meant with "married on a post-it note" but I never asked. I didn't think that it would take them so long to get married. Not that I really cared. Well, I cared for Derek but not for Meredith. There was and is no way we could ever be real friends. I could respect her, work with her eventually but I couldn't be a friend to share secrets with. It probably isn't even her fault but Derek's. . Apparently she was already pregnant because Derek always wanted to have kids. Not always but I knew that he wanted them back when I was in Seattle, just not with me.

Honestly he looked pale and old. The last years haven't been easy on him, especially since he is now the Chief of Surgery. I could see one or two grey hairs.

After the second speaker ended his presentation and the discussion began we left the room together, agreeing on coffee. I was not happy about the fact that my calm holidays were being destroyed, but on the other hand there was also the possibility to have some fun with Mark. At least he was usually up to some fun.

Mark had always been good if you wanted to have fun but not for much more. At least not between us.

So we sat on the terrace and watched the sun go down. I have always loved Egypt. I nursed my cappuccino while Mark started to flirt with the waitress. Derek pointed out that he hadn't changed in all those years. We laughed. It was nice and familiar to laugh with them. It felt like the good old days. But today wasn't the good old day; it was something new, something very different. We could chat like during the old times but in the beginning something was missing, like we didn't trust each other anymore. Maybe we didn't.

I think that we have reached the point where we can be friends, not close but friends. I mean we have been divorced for quite some years now! We have spent most of our lives together, the three of us.

Later we went out of lunch, to a nice restaurant situated directly on the Nile. I had to think a lot about Derek and my first trip to Egypt, the year after our wedding. I had gotten a nasty sunburn but nowadays that wouldn't happen anymore. Living in LA has done wonders to my skin – I don't burn anymore. I was wearing one of those sleeveless silk shirts, a light cashmere jacket over it and a nice skirt. Nothing special. The conversation was light; nobody asked any questions. I didn't ask about Meredith or the marriage and they didn't ask about my private life. We were living in the moment. That very moment.

After dinner we went to a nice cocktail bar. Even back in New York we had always had our share of alcohol on a night out. Everybody usually knew how much he or she was able to hold, although sometimes Mark had his troubles the day after. One Mojito became two, three and four. In between I felt the big loneliness rising. I was thinking of Lucas and how beautiful he looked while sleeping, an oasis of perfection. Some time during the night I lost count and my memory got pretty blurred. There isn't much after the cocktail bar.

When I opened my eyes I noticed that it wasn't my bedroom. I felt the alcohol which was still in my venes and remembered the Mojitos. Within seconds I had sat up, noticed the man who was sleeping next to me and again I had to tell myself that this had been a mistake, a big one.

I grabbed my clothes, changed in the bathroom. Standing in front of the mirror made me notice the bitemark on my shoulder, some scratches on my back. I felt sore, a good soreness, but it had been a huge mistake, the biggest I have committed in ages. Normally I can control myself but this time … blame it on the alcohol. I left the room only turning back a very last time to see the soft hair falling, a softness of his lips ….

Heading by cab back to the Hilton I packed my stuff, asked the concierge if he could book me a hotel at Sharm el Shaikh. Within two hours I had a flight and a hotel and left Luxor. I had to forget what happened; he had to forget what happened. We had to forget that this had ever happened. The conference was meant to be my escape from Los Angeles and now I have to run off again. Run from the mistakes I made again.


	2. Ch1 A Friend Indeed

[Chapter 1 – A Friend Indeed]

Now it's been seven weeks since that ridiculous incident in Luxor and I've finally gotten my result: I am pregnant. Now I am sitting here on the terrace of my house in Los Angeles, watching the sun go down and not drinking my usual glass of red wine, relaxing, thinking about the day. This time I am sitting here, wondering how this could have happened. I was not supposed to get pregnant. I couldn't get pregnant. I was barren, two eggs left. Sterile. Unproductive. Unfruitful. And I was sitting on the wooden terrace in one hand a glass of orange juice and in the other the positive test. It wasn't like I did one only; I think the guy at the drug store looked at me a little funny when I bought ten different ones. It took me a day to read all the different instructions but not one had been negative. If Naomi were just here, I just needed somebody to talk about. But nobody is here.

Sam had always been a good friend to me but I cannot tell him about the things that have happened here in Egypt, he wouldn't understand. Vanessa had broken up with him and since that day he has stood on my terrace now and then needing to talk. Today, thankfully, he was at Maya's. Finally I had some time to think, a time when nobody would bother me..

I don't know how long I was sitting on the terrace, watching the sun and the sea when my cell phone rang. I looked at the caller ID. Charlotte.

"Hi," I say and try to sound like she was interrupting something but Charlotte has never cared about things like this.

"I knocked on your front door. You are home so open up."

"Charlotte, I don't have time for business talk."

"Come on, just open the door."

Slowly I get up, put everything on the wood next to the place I sat and walk slowly to my door. I had no intention of opening it but somehow I have started to like Charlotte: she is a good coworker with some spare money. And she is different. A spoiled kid.

The blond is standing there in a pair of three quarter trousers, flip-flops and a violet silk top, a bottle of vodka in hand. The violet fit her. Maybe I should get myself something like that. But not worth the money at the moment. Silk doesn't stretch. But I love silk.

"Charlotte, come in," I reply. Slowly I make my way to the kitchen and hand her a glass, offering her some fresh orange juice. "How come you want to spend free time with me?"

"I needed to get out and thought about your nice terrace," she tries to say with a smile. I don't buy it. "Look Addison, I thought we could have some fun. I need to find a new place again, moving out from Violet. Their charade makes me sick."

I understand her situation too well. I wouldn't not be able to live with her either. Violet I mean. They are putting on a charade but for who? Violet seems to be happy in the actual situation, Pete not really. He always looked out for her but she was the one who abandoned her child in the first place.

"So, are you offering me a place on your terrace or do I have to get drunk in your kitchen?"

Together we walk outside. Together we sit down on the front, watching the waves. Together we notice the test next to my hip. Wanting her to go home, I had forgotten about the test. Her green eyes are focusing on me. Her hand grabs the test. I am not able to move in this moment. I am unable to say anything.

"You're pregnant?"

Millions of things are going through my head at the moment such as how I will be able to manage all this.  
I am showing her my glass of orange juice. No wine, no vodka. Only orange juice.

"Congratulations," she is saying looking at me. I nod.

"Thanks."

"You don't seem to happy."

"I am still kind of in shock."

"You'll handle it."

"You think so?"

"Sure. Pete's?"

"No."

"Sam's?"

"No."

"Well, then I think things seem easier."

"Really? I am not sure yet."

"Look. We are no close friends but let me tell you this – you can handle a baby pretty well. You already proved it with Lucas. You can handle one on your own too."

"You make it sound so simple."

"Remember, I have no clue what I am talking about."

Together we laugh.

"What do you want to do?" she asks me and I have no clue what to answer. I have no clue. I have just found out that my life has been turned upside down. I just got the second chance I've been looking for during the last three years.

I have not thought about having kids in years, since Nae told me the results. I retested some time later but the results were the same. Does Charlotte know about all that?

"I have no clue, I just found out."

"How far?" Charlotte asks while nursing her Vodka Orange.

"Seven weeks."

"And you haven't noticed?"

She has a point. Over the decades my period has been like clockwork. I have never been late or anything. When I was pregnant with Mark's baby I could tell that I was before I missed my first period. I know my body. At least that's what I thought.

"I guess I haven't. I felt funny last night, strange somehow. I don't know how to say it …"

"Hormonal? I have never been pregnant so I really don't know about those things except for the medical books and the hospital work and I try to avoid babies."

"Because they drool on you," I say and have to laugh at the picture Charlotte and Lucas. When she was asking him very nicely not to drool on her. She had thought I hadn't heard her then but I did.

"Maybe also hormonal but …. God … I can't believe that I told you that …."

"Remember I get drunk quickly."

She has a nice smile. I still cannot believe that things between her and Cooper didn't work out. Well, we all know Charlotte King; she is a complicated mind-strong character but she is Charlotte, a woman who breaks down, cries and is sensual even if she tries to hide that side of her as best she can.

Seconds later I feel her arm around my shoulder, her way of comforting me. And I feel better; she is able to make me feel better. I have lost all my friends because of some ridiculous reasons and except for Dell I don't have anybody down here to talk to anymore. I could talk to Cooper but he would eventually only be interested in my growing bust. And Dell? God, he is a kid. For sure he will not get between my legs to do any exams. Pete? Sam? Naomi? All gone. And definitely not Violet. If only the piranhas had eaten her in the rainforest, I wouldn't be in this misery now. Misery? Wrong word, it is not misery, it is joy. Unbelievable joy! But why is it so hard to feel happy about it?

"So," Charlotte pushes me again to continue telling her what I started talking about.

"My breasts felt sore …. I went to look into my calendar, counted and did a ton of pregnancy tests."

"Why haven't you done one at the practice?"

"I learn from my mistakes … sometimes at least … I want it to stay out of the office as long as possible. This is my issue and I don't want everybody talking about it."

"Soon they will notice."

"You're right," I give in; I have to because she has a point again. "But I will not let Dell get between my legs. No, no, no."

Together we laugh. It was a good laugh. Maybe we have more in common than I thought. Maybe. Maybe not.

"Please don't tell anybody …"

"Hey Addison, I came here to get drunk and I am still willing to get drunk, so don't freak. I won't tell."

"Why me?"

"Where else am I to go?" I look at her questioning. "It's not like I have many friends Addison, mostly it was Cooper and now the office but most of them are so tied up in their own problems … and since you …. I mean since you and Pete broke up …. I thought … I mean I know you can hold your share of alcohol."

I smile at her. Her hand is still on my shoulder and I let my head slowly rest on her shoulder. It is indeed comforting. It's still the old me, the Addison who is strong, willful and egotistical.

We sit there for a few minutes. It is a new type of comfort; it was very different with Naomi. She always knew all the answers and she would have said something like 'we can handle this together', if she had been there. But she left. This time she even left her family and …. me.

The sudden approach of Sam gets me out of my near trance.

"What are you two doing here?" he asks us. Charlotte shifts a little and we both know what she is hiding.

"Drinking," she answers him. "Aren't two grown up women allowed to get drunk together?"

He stares at us, the position we are in. What does he suspect? Is there jealousy in his eyes? Of course there is. It is a closed chapter in my book of relationships that don't work. He would take care of his pregnant daughter, maybe get his ex wife back to Los Angeles and stop trying to get into the sack with me. Of course it would be pleasurable but I do not need to get laid. At least not now and for sure there will be no Sam involved.

"And I have offered for her to move in with me. I still have two spare bedrooms and she wants to move out from Violet's till she gets something on her own." Okay, I made it up but it would solve one of my problems – Sam would not come over whenever he feels like it.

It seems like I have shocked Sam. He looks at me in disbelief, his eyes saying "Don't do this! Don't put a new barrier between us. No, Addison …" And this makes my words sound even better.

"And I am really thinking about it Sam. Haven't you always dreamt of two women living next to you in one house?"

His head shaking, he leaves. We do not laugh this time.

"I meant it. If you want."

"You will need the spare room for the baby."

"I have two spare rooms, a smaller and a larger one plus there are still six months during which time I will not need it."

"Thanks for the offer."

"Think about it. Money is no issue. I don't want or need a rent."

"Addison, …"

"Don't, Charlotte. You know as well I do that money is no issue for me."

"How much?" she asks and I can to hear the curiosity in her voice.

"You can google me actually and my trust, I have been told at least once."

Charlotte smiles in return, knowing that I wouldn't tell her any details.

Of course Charlotte drinks more than she should and passes out on my couch. For a few minutes I study her face. I am impressed how soft her features can be when she is asleep. Usually she tries to be bossy, stubborn, a manager but here on my sofa she is a young blond woman who has been through a lot over the last year, who can be a friend and an enemy in the same small body. At this moment alcohol is her enemy. I bring a spare blanket from upstairs and tuck it around her sleeping form.  
Of course she will be angry in the morning because her head will ache and her stomach will be upside down but this night was worth it, at least in my sober opinion.

But I am wide awake in bed. I changed into some nightwear and I did not really care about my night routine. Of course I washed off the makeup from the day but no creams or anything else. Instead I am still standing in front of my mirror, the shorts pulled down a little and the top pulled up. I am staring at my not yet showing belly. I could do this for hours.

I am still not sure if I am happy or confused how this had happened. I pretty well know how it happened – in Luxor, a night of drunken sex. Drunken passion? Drunken sex.

For a second I think about giving Seattle a call, telling the soon to be father the news. The next second I realize how stupid it would be. It had been a one night stand, nothing more and nothing less. I haven't seen him seen him, talked to him nor sent him an email since. I can't do so because … I don't know why, I just can't.

~*~

When I wake up I hear the water running in my bathroom and I see the steam filling my room. I know too well who is in my shower and I ask myself why she isn't using one of the guest room bathrooms.

I stay in bed, thinking about yesterday. I am pregnant. Pregnant. Fertile. How will I handle it? I mean, no arguing with myself this time like last time in New York. I am keeping it. I will go through with this pregnancy. Period. But a single mother? I've never thought about it; there's never been a need for thoughts like this. Of course I will be able to handle it. After all, I still have months left to figure it out.

Sometime later Charlotte enters my bedroom, wearing one of my towels.

"Sorry, there was no shampoo in the other bathroom." I nod; she is right.

"Take one of the robes. There is more than one."

"Thanks," she replied and enters the steam-filled room, returning with my cotton emerald green robe. "How horrible was I last night?"

"You don't remember?"

"Oh, I remember you being pregnant and that you offered for me to move in. But everything after me telling you that Sheldon was a good lover is a blur."

"Believe me, its better like this." I have to laugh, remembering her telling me about Sheldon. The way Sheldon tries to talk dirty which made her laugh and me too. She likes kinky sex, some S&M, some domination games – stuff I never even tried – and Sheldon is just amenable at the very moment. It's about getting laid and he needs it too. Both know that they are not couple and never will be. On the other hand, didn't it the same way with Pete and me?

Charlotte is sitting down next to me on the bed and it makes me a little bit nervous. But why am I nervous? Maybe because she knows my secret. My deepest secret. The secret nobody else knows about.

"Thanks Addison for everything, really. But I don't think I can take you up on that offer."

"Why?" My house is nice. I am a nice person. I am not easy, but I am nice.

"Because you've got enough on your place" ."

"No Charlotte, you aren't! What makes you think so?"

"You're pregnant Addison. You should call the guy and tell him that he will be a dad soon and think about a happily ever after."

"There is no guy to call."

"Immaculate conception?" I have to laugh again. I laugh a lot around her. She makes me smile and laugh. Laughing is healthy.

"God, no!"

"So?"

"It isn't important who he is Charlotte. I am going through this alone."

"You will not be alone Addison." Saying those words she squeezes my hand. I might lost all my "old" friends but I might have just won a new one.

Those words mean a lot to me. Many times in my life I've been alone even when I'm not. I was married to Derek but was alone. I had an affair with Mark but was alone. I tried to work things out in Seattle but I was alone – always alone.

"Have you called a doctor to confirm your pregnancy tests?"

"Not yet."

"You should."

I know that I should call somebody to confirm the results but what if all of them were wrong and the doctor is telling me that I am not pregnant at all? That all this had been a dream? But she is right. I have to call a doctor. Maybe I could get an appointment at Dr. Redford's…

We went through breakfast together on the terrace and twice I saw from the corner of my eyes Sam studying us from his balcony. At one point I have to tell him to stop that crap because I feel stalked.

"Is he always watching you from above?"

"I only started noticing it a few days ago."

"You should tell him to stop."

"I think you make him stop."

"Believe me, as soon as I am out here in my bikini, he will stop doing this because if not I may castrate him.

The tears were nearly running down my cheeks because I had to laugh. I really enjoy her Southern way of talking.

So she is going to move in with me. Those words are clear; I will not go through this alone at least not through all the pregnancy.

~*~

"Sam could you please stop that bullshit from over there?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You are stalking me," I say and pour myself coup of juice in the office kitchen.

"I am not stalking you."

"You did yesterday morning. I don't want to have breakfast inside because you do not have a life."

"Addison …"

"Don't Addison me Sam. We are over, we never started and I want you to stop all your lurking. We will never be together. Get it? I can move on so why can't you?"

"Because I love you." He loves me? Well I have feelings too but I am not sure if you can call them love because I have known him most of my life. Love? Isn't that something so relative? It's a chemical reaction.

"Stop it Sam."

Before he is able to say anything he might regret, or I might regret, I leave the room. I am good at running; I do it all the time.

A water birth later Charlotte comes into my office, closes the door. She sits down with a smile. Why is the Charlotte I am getting to know so different from the one we see daily in the hospital?

"You called the doctor?"

"Not yet."

"Addison, just call."

"You're right."

Within the next few minutes I am calling the doctor and making an appointment for later that day. I now have an appointment to see my baby on the ultra sound? My baby. It is still something I find impossible to believe.

~*~

I am just about to get into my blazer when Violet enters my office.

"I want to talk with you."

"I don't have the time Violet. I have an appointment."

"We need to talk, Addison."

"I don't think so."

I turn around and leave the room but nearly crash into Charlotte who is waiting outside, ready to go.

"I am going with you," she comments on our way to the elevator.

"You don't have to."

"I said that you will not be alone in this and the least I can do is go to with you to your appointment."

"Thanks."

She really has no clue what this means to me because she is usually too stubborn to offer help or let people help her. I am not going to be alone watching my baby. Eventually the whole waiting room will think that I am gay but honestly said, I don't care anymore. I am about to have a baby on my own.

~*~

Nervous doesn't cover how I feel as I sit in the waiting area with Charlotte next to me who is reading an article on twin pregnancy in one of the magazines and jiggles from time to time about the non medical way things were written.

"Montgomery," the young woman from the counter calls my name. It is time to show some backbone. Charlotte looks at me.

"Come with me, please," I say when I am about to head to the office's door.

Without saying another word, she walks in behind me. There is no need for many words between us; at least that's how it seems. She can read my looks.

"So Dr. Montgomery, what brings you here?"

"Well, as far as I can tell, I am pregnant."

"Okay, so you want to do another test or let's skip it and we'll do an ultrasound?"

"Ultrasound would be perfect."

"So you should change."

Charlotte doesn't ask me if I want her to stay; she knows I do. It is what she offered.  
I never liked the paper gowns: they are unfashionable and embarrassing even if they are hygienic. I sit down onto the bench and Dr. Redford moves my gown up.

"You know, this is going to be cold."

"I know, I do it on a daily base."

We both know it because we have known each other for years, professionally. He was the age of my father and already has lovely grandchildren, nine if I counted correctly before. I try to relax while he applies the gel onto my belly. Charlotte sits next to me, staring at the screen.  
In the beginning it is all black but soon the professional eye can see the embryo. I smile. Charlotte squeezes my hand.

"Indeed you are pregnant Dr. Montgomery. And as far as I can tell, and you can see, you've been pregnant about seven weeks."

"It is seven weeks. Do you want your due date or do you want to calculate it on your own?"

I told her about the date, my own calculations.

"You already did the math," he said with a smile.

"Yeah, I've had a whole day to think about it."

Dr. Redford prints out the ultrasound picture for me. I can't describe what I am feeling because there are so many feelings involved, beginning with overwhelming joy to the guilt that the baby will not have a father, no male figure to rely on.

I am sitting on this table and stare at the picture I have in my hands. I do not know how much time has passed till Charlotte puts her hand on my arm.

"Get dressed Addie and we'll grab a celebration juice somewhere."

Celebration juice? We usually would go for something hard, cocktails or shots but this was impossible now. Not even wine for me anymore. What a life? Even those thoughts make me excited.

~*~

"Can you believe this?" I say and put the picture on the table between us. I am nursing a pineapple juice while Charlotte prefers an Appletini.

"It is hard to believe, I think. So tell me who is the father?"

Yeah, I am not going to tell you this Charlotte, I can't. Because if you know, you will eventually tell somebody and I do not need that. I need to keep it a secret..

"It isn't important. A guy I met in Egypt."

"Some oriental hunk?"

We both laugh. As if it were be that easy! Some oriental looking guy I would never see in my life again would be easier to handle than somebody you have known for most of it. Somebody who could be standing in front of your door the next day.

"Not really Charlotte but I do not want to talk about it."

"But it isn't Pete or Sam?"

"God no! Usually I do care about protection, you know? But this one night …"

"The classical story, as it sounds …. You got drunk …"

"Yep," and saying this I can still feel the Egyptian sun on my face, his hands all over my body – at least I think they were, I still don't remember most of the night.

"But you know his name?"

"You can be sure about that one." How well I know it! Even the idea of sleeping with somebody I don't know the name of is ridiculous, not even when I was younger, much younger. On the other hand there haven't been many men in my life, not many I have slept with I mean. Derek was the first. Mark. Alex. Kevin. Pete.

"Have you ever thought about having a baby, Charlotte?" Let's change the topic to somebody else.

"Well, from time to time. I once thought, after Cooper and I broke up, that I was pregnant. False alarm. But well, no man in sight to father a child. In my family you have at least to be in a long term relationship to get pregnant or married."

"I haven't thought about telling Bizzy yet," This made me sigh loudly, "She will not like it and nor will the Captain."

"Do you really care? You are old enough not to."

"I am not close to them so I don't really care, but somehow I do … I shouldn't but I do."

"You should tell them."

"Maybe I will but not now, later. I think I need to head home. I still have some thinking to do. Do you want to pick up some of your stuff?"

"We'll meet at your place," she says and smiles. I like her smile, its honest. Her eyes cannot lie.

Sitting at home on my bed doesn't make things any easier because I start to think about the events in Luxor, the situation it got me in and how it even started. Thinking more and more about it, things start to get a little clearer but they are still pretty blurred.

I remember him asking me if I wanted to come to his room. I said no in the beginning but we didn't even make it to the elevator before his lips crashed down on mine, before I felt his hands on my skin again, before I begged for things I regretted the next morning. A single night of passion.


	3. Ch2 A Confession

[Chapter 2 – A Confession]

I love my sofa in my office, especially when the door is closed and I can get some sleep after being in surgery forhours. I had picked it carefully. There had been quite some kinky things that happened on or partly on this sofa. It makes me think of Mark again and the hot and steamy sex we have had in my office.

But a sudden knock interrupts my rest. I feel tired more easily now and I am only eight weeks into my pregnancy. I don't want to think about the next weeks.

"Come on in," I say without getting up from the sofa. It is "only" Charlotte.

"How are you feeling?"

"Good, just a little tired from standing for hours in your OR. Want to grab some take out?"

"Actually I was thinking about cooking something."

"You can cook?"

"I am no chef but well, yes, contrary to the common belief, I can cook."

There is a soft giggle in her voice while I am saying this and it makes me smile. We smile at each other and just use the silence to eventually figure out how things might go, at least for me. It is something I really enjoy around Charlotte: she doesn't need to talk all the time, she also likes the silence sometimes. She knows when I want to talk and when I don't.

Thankfully I don't feel any morning sickness. It isn't that obvious but it soon will be. I will have to tell everybody in the office myself before they figure it out.

"Can I ask you something?" Charlotte says while I am cutting onions and garlic.

"Sure."

"Are you going to tell the man about the baby?"

I am not sure yet. If I tell him he eventually feels like he has to make decisions and come south to be there for the child but if he does, I wouldn't want it to be about the baby but also me. I don't want a man by my side who doesn't love me. I had that back in Seattle. It would break me if I did that again. I can't let it happen. I can never step into Seattle Grace again. Not that I care….

"I guess not."

"But you know his name?"

God, I know his name too well. I cannot remember how often I have scribbled it down during medschool! There are names you will never forget.

"Sure I do."

Charlotte looks at me; she realizes finally that I am not into answering her questions. I like her smile. She has this "shut the fuck up" smile and the honest one.

"Do you want to watch a movie?" I ask her while putting the cut vegetables into the hot pan.

"Sure, what have you got?"

"Philadelphia Story?"

"Addison Montgomery likes black and white movies?" Charlotte says and giggles.

"Don't giggle."

"I don't giggle."

"You just did," I answer, calmly. I know that I am right. I am most of the time right.

We agree to watch the movie. A wonderful classical story and I just adore Katherine Hepburn. James Stewart isn't bad either. But Hepburn. I never liked Audrey Hepburn. Being a kid I thought that those two were sisters but I was so wrong. My grandma corrected me when I was about twelve, telling me that I couldn't be more wrong.  
Remembering Grandma makes me smile involuntarily. Maybe she was the only family member I really enjoyed spending time with.

"You are so silent," Charlotte comments while sitting on the other side of the couch, nursing some wine.

Maybe I am a little jealous of her being able to drink the wine but I told myself over the last few days that I will do everything right during this pregnancy. No coffee, no alcohol, lots of sleep and resting. The question is how long will I be able to keep it a secret.

"I've watched the movie."

"I bet you've seen it a million times."

"Maybe."

Of course she is right. I know all the dialogues. How can I not? This was the last movie my grandmother and I watched together before she died. It was also one of the first we shared. But too many things are going through my head at the moment for me to concentrate on the movie. Having somebody in the house makes things easier, at least for now: I don't feel this emptiness again. I've lived alone before, even through my marriage, not officially but nobody shared the brownstone with me for real. In Seattle it had been a hotel room and now in Los Angeles this lovely house. The first one which really got a personal touch. My touch.

And Charlotte eventually notices that I'm watching the movie but she doesn't say a word. She tries to make me think that she is enjoying it.

There were moments today when I was near to tears .One time I saw a happy family, one baby in a stroller and a second on the way. I had to stop my walk to the car to pull myself together.  
The second time was at the hospital, while I was walking towards the baby station. Usually it makes me smile, all those bundles of joy. But this time there was a young daddy, not older than twenty, with his daughter in hand behind the glass, showing it to his grandparents. I quickly got myself into a spare room, locked the door and told myself to focus on sports. I so do not have an interest in sports, but it usually centers on the important things in life. Sports.

"I am going to bed," I tell Charlotte and make my way upstairs. I don't wait for an answer and I can feel her eyes burning holes into my back. Thankfully I am good at hiding tears in front of others.

But going to sleep is impossible. I toss around for an hour before the first tears start to roll down my cheeks. Hormones!  
Finally I have the pregnancy I have longed for years but I always had thought that there would be a man involved, in some way at least. Even if not as a husband or lover but as a father. Mine was never around when I was a kid, nor was my mother. It had always been Archer and me. I want my kid to have a father but I cannot call Seattle and spread the news. He once chose another life, another woman and it was for the best. Probably.

It feels like the last years have just been passing by. There are things you cannot buy; I knew it too well, having more money than most. Enduring love. A family of your own. You can buy pets, I got a cat. You can buy friends who never really are friends, but love? Nobody can be bought to love you. Sex of course, but love is something unique.

I always imagined that there would be love involved. At night in bed I could let my tears run, flood the pillows. I can let all the walls I've built up so carefully over the years down. Pete doesn't know that I've cried myself to sleep after setting him free. At work I can be all business woman but at home I have to be …. I have to be myself. Strong outside, easily hurt inside.

I do not know how long I have been facing the window crying but suddenly I feel the bed next to me sinking. As soon as the body moves towards me, I know that it is her. Her hand makes circles on my shoulder. Comfort.

"Don't cry, Addie. You'll figure things out."

"Thanks for being there."

"You are welcome," she whispers.

I feel her small body against mine, a hand over mine. Comfort. Years ago it had been Naomi who tried to be close, who was close actually.

But I can't stop my tears, they keep running.

"You know, your eyes will be all puffy in the morning."

"Hm …"

"And you don't want Sam to know that you cried. Do you? Because he would think that it was over him."

It makes me giggle softly. In the end he would think so. Maybe he would bug me all morning but in the end, if I don't say anything, he would guess that it was about him. Sam.

"Try to sleep," she said and I could smell her shampoo. I have always had a very good sense of smell. It was something different from what I use, very different, more artificial. I like natural products but Charlotte is different, very different from me. We share a few things – expensive taste in fashion, stilettos, being dominant. But her family background was different, she really cares. But she wouldn't tell. I once heard a talk between Cooper and Violet in the kitchen about her behavior when her 'Big Daddy' died.

"I try but I can't."

"You have to sleep. The baby also needs some rest."

"Think I don't know that?"

"Sure you know. Anything you want to get off your soul?"

"Any specific you wanna know?"

She laughs. "I don't need to know your dirty little secrets Montgomery."

"You just asked for them."

"Maybe another time." She notices that I am comfortable but that my mind is racing. I still question myself if I will be a good mother, if I will be able to do it all on my own. If I will ever be able to tell him, have the gut to call and tell him that I am pregnant with his child. "But if you ever want to tell somebody who the father of your baby is, I am here to keep a secret. I am good at that."

"I think so."

"Really?"

"I am sure that you are full of secrets, Dr. King."

We both laugh, full hearted laughs. It feels good to have a friend again who can read between the lines. "But I meant it," she says again and hugs me.

"Thanks Charlotte. It really means a lot to me."

Now I am waiting for them to arrive. I look at my blackberry every minute, that's at least how it feels. I had sent them a message in the morning that I wanted to talk to them. I can't hide it much longer. I already feel the changes in my body.

Charlotte is the first one. She sits down next to me. As always lately.

"You're up to this?" She asks me and I nod. I am not really sure if I can handle this situation but better to tell them in person before rumors spread or anything like this.

I am only able to stare at my blackberry while they enter the room.

"Addie, everybody is here," Charlotte whispers.

"Thanks for coming," I say and stay there, in front of them. I feel like an actor in a b-movie. "I asked you to come because I have to tell you something … it's nothing about the practice … It's something more private." I can see Sam rubbing his nose and Pete staring at an empty sheet of paper while Violet doesn't even care about my presence in the room. "Okay, how to say it?" Give me some time, please! "I am pregnant." I could feel the room fill with tension. The only sound is the ticking of the clock.

"Congratulations," Charlotte says and hugged me. But nobody else says a word. Things aren't like when I came south, not like a year ago. Things are estranged. Nobody asks about the father. I leave the room, running. Not that I am nauseated or anything but their stares would have been able to kill me. I run. I am good at running away from troubles, questions and answers I am not willing to give.

I run out of the building and sit down on a stone bench in front. I watch people passing by, happy families, teenagers and elderly people – mostly in pairs, groups. Very seldom it's somebody alone. Alone.

They eventually will always look at me in this way. They will not talk to me anymore. Violet came back and I set Pete free. It was the hardest step for me to make but I had to. And I didn't run into Sam's arms. I am not my own enemy.

"Addison," a male voice says towards me and brings me back from my thoughts. I turn my head and see Pete sitting next to me, wearing his blue pair of jeans and a blue polo shirt.

"Pete," I reply.

"I am sorry that I didn't congratulate you. I was just in a kind of shock."

"I was too."

"It wasn't fair. I know how much you always wished for a baby."

"Thanks."

"So, are you gonna tell me who the proud daddy will be?"

"No, Pete I won't. It's not any of your business anymore."

"But what if I want it to be my business?"

"It isn't. It isn't your baby Pete and you are in a relationship with Violet again."

"You can't call that a relationship. We take care of Lucas. It is nothing compared to what we had and still could have."

"Don't start again Pete, don't. It wouldn't have worked. You are in love with Violet, always have been."

"I love you."

"You love me like a friend with benefits."

"That isn't true. I really love you but you won't love me back."

"Pete it's too late anyway. I have to figure lots of things out so please don't keep reminding me that there are feelings in here," I put my hand over my heart, "for you. It is simply too much."

He nods

"Thanks for being there last night," I say to Charlotte when she comes towards my or should I now say our, kitchen.

"You are welcome."

"It meant a lot to me."

Charlotte is leaning next to me on the kitchen counter while I am cutting strawberries. I love strawberries and when I saw them …

"You know Addison … I mean … I never did something like that before."

I turn my head, nearly cutting my finger. "What do you mean?"

"Crawling in bed with somebody, like last night."

I only can smile at her because it really meant a lot. I woke up in the morning and she was gone but the place she slept in was still warm. I watch her eyes and I see that she is uncomfortable with the actual situation.

"Thanks for comforting me."

"You know, I was already in bed when I heard you."

"God, I was that loud."

"I don't know. I just went to look after you and …. You know the rest."

I can't think of anything else to do so I hug her because nobody had ever done that for me, not even Naomi. She was a friend..

"So tell me, what is this thing between Cooper and you?" I had to change the topic. A must. I cannot talk about myself and my insecurities about this pregnancy day in and day out.

"Closed chapter."

"Really?" I offer her some strawberries and watch her chew on one.

"Do you have some vodka?"

"Fridge, top shelf."

Fresh strawberries and vodka, sounds delicious. No alcohol, Addison, no alcohol.

"Would you mind telling me why?"

"Actually I don't. He is a child. He doesn't know what he wants. I mean he fucked me on Maya's wedding, you know, in your bathroom but afterwards he went home with somebody else."

"In my bathroom?" I couldn't believe it. My bathroom. Why mine?

Charlotte is laughing at me and nearly chokes on a strawberry. "Sorry."

"I will get it disinfected tomorrow." I say and also have to laugh. Just the idea that somebody else had sex in my house which wasn't me is freaking me.

"So, no Cooper anymore?" I ask again and sit down next to her on the sofa.

"No, no Cooper. For the fun I still have Sheldon."

"Urg …"

"He is good, not Cooper but a good replacement and he doesn't want to be more."

"So you are good that Cooper is dating other women?" A suddenly pregnant pause is filling the room. Maybe I am going too far by asking those personal questions but who cares? We shared a bed last night, the most intimate thing I have ever done with a woman.

"Forget I asked, Charlotte," I say, get up and open the porch door. "Do you want to sit outside a little? I still have to write an article and do some reading before it."

"Sure, why not?" she says and walks up behind me. "Addison," she says, moving from one foot to the other, "it isn't like I don't want to be honest with you. It's … I am no good at it. I never talk about my feelings or anything. So …"

"Hey, no offence taken. Sit down, enjoy yourself. If you want to talk, talk, if not it's also okay."

We share some dinner in silence that night: we ordered some vegetable stir-fried. Maybe that is the magical bond between us – I am not good at talking either. I start to talk if it is almost too late. Since we are not chatting I am able to think, try to figure a few things out but it is more complicated than I thought it might be.

We concentrate on our food and I didn't see Sam coming over to my porch.

"Addison," he says and I look up towards him. I feel startled.

"What, Sam?"

"Can I talk to you?"

"You can sit down if you want to."

"No, I want to talk to you alone."

I notice that Charlotte already tries to get up and give us space but I shake my head, tell her to sit down again with my hand.

"Look Sam, there is nothing to talk about. Nothing she can't hear."

"But this is private, Addison," he says and I can see that he doesn't like this situation. Once I push him into something he doesn't want usually it goes the other way around.

After a few minutes, Charlotte and I are eating again, he says suddenly, "Who was the guy you fucked this time?"

I am shocked. His words hit me like a baseball bat. Who the hell does he think he is?

"Sam, I think it is time for you to leave," Charlotte says, anger filling her voice, while I am still not able to reply anything.

"None of your business," he spats back.

"It is my business if you talk to her like that."

"No it isn't. You know nothing. She loves me."

"I don't," is the only thing that is able to leave my mouth in this very moment.

"What did you just say?" Sam asks me, his hand on my shoulder.

"Don't touch me," I say and look towards Charlotte for a second, "I don't love you Sam."

"But you said …"

"Maybe I once did but I don't anymore. You pushed too hard. You forced me into situations I didn't like or enjoy. This isn't love."

"But …"

"No Sam, respect it. I don't love you. And never will. There are more important things …"

"Somebody without a name got you pregnant, great. What a …"

"Shut up. He has a name and I know it pretty well. I could call if I want to but I don't."

"So, you're hiding this baby."

"No, I am not hiding. He is in a relationship, married, and it just happened. It happened, one single night. So? Am I an adulterous bitch now? Maybe I am but he wanted it too."

"Sl…," but before he could even say what he evidently longs to say Charlotte's hand hit his face.

"Don't you dare call anybody any names! And now leave," she yells at him.

"You have nothing to say …"

"I do. Addison and I share the house, we live together so please leave now and don't feel welcome anytime soon."

"What the fuck is going on here? You've now turned into a lesbian?"

"Are you really asking me that?" I say and stay up to walk towards the house, "Did you ever think Violet was a lesbian because Charlotte was living with her? No! Only me because I don't want you, so I have to be homosexual? Sam, get lost." With those words I close the door behind me and head for my bedroom.

Later Charlotte comes to my room, a glass of orange juice in her hand. I am still sitting in the dark. I hate him for yelling at me, I really hate him but what can I do? I have to face him day after day and it will not get better soon.

"Did he leave?"

"A little after you, after he stopped yelling at me."

"He'll cool down someday."

"Hm …. He really forced you?"

"If it comes to kissing … yes. I told him more than once that this won't work. Naomi left and I was seeking for comfort, he was there. We've known each other half our lives. It was wrong from the very moment but it wasn't really love."

"But you love Pete."

"Hm … and Lucas."

"So why did you break up?"

"That bundle of joy has the right to have real mother."

"So that was the reason of giving up?"

"Maybe?"

"That's so not you."

"But I did it. I give up sometimes. I gave up Derek after the prom incident."

"Prom incident?"

Together we are sitting on my bed, still in absolute darkness. I can smell the vanilla pot purée from the bathroom on her.

"Nothing much to tell. Derek and I tried to figure things out, at least I thought so. The Prom was our date, a real date and what did he do? He fucked Meredith and her panties in the trailer afterwards. Now they are married … happily ever after."

"Sucks." Her hand envelopes mine. Maybe I have found a friend, a real friend who isn't only focused on her own life like Naomi is. Perhaps.

"It does but I cannot change my past I have to live with what the future brings."


	4. Ch3 She's a Mystery

[Chapter 3 – She's a Mystery ]

It's been a week now since Naomi returned and we are still not talking to each other. I have done nothing wrong. I told her that I was pregnant the moment we saw each other again. Now the only Naomi does is try not to look into my eye. I don't know why. Is it guilt or jealousy? It is probably one of those things but I am not sure.

As soon as Charlotte comes into the room Naomi seems to run off. I have made no mistake and I have done nothing wrong. Charlotte was there when I needed a friend most. Naomi wasn't. She was and still is busy with her life and she forgets about other people, even her own daughter, sometimes.

Now since I am three months into my pregnancy I can no longer hide my small forming belly anymore. All those tight dresses are gone. Thanks to leggings and empire blouses and dresses I am able to hide my belly a little longer. Many people have noticed that I am wearing different things but they don't comment, except for Cooper who always has and always will stare at my breasts.

Sometimes I wonder how it would be to have a man next to me who notices the small changes, like me not being able to button my favorite pair of jeans anymore. I am not that big but they aren't comfortable anymore. Well, I bought them back in New York so that pair is history for the next couple of months. 

Charlotte notices everything but doesn't comment. She is always just there.

I am about to walk into the OR to save triplets and I am already sure that I may only be able to save two out of three because one is too small, baby A and B are developing normally but C is only half the size and weight. It is dangerous, multiple pregnancies always are.

I am standing in front of the surgery table and have to think that it could be me on this table too because I am a high risk pregnancy due to my age. It could be me and somebody else, somebody I may not know, would be bent over my pregnant body and cut it open. This is something I should not be thinking about in this very moment but it comes up my mind.

I am now filling out forms to avoid having to tell the husband that we lost Baby C. I just couldn't save him. He was too small. But the other two babies are alive, safe in their mother's womb. I can only try, try my best to make things work out, try my best to make this pregnancy the best thing of my life, to worship this gift. Nobody can guarantee that I will be a good mother but ….

"You ready to head home?" somebody asks me from behind and I know that it is Sam.

"Not yet, I still have to talk to a patient's relative."

"I can wait."

"Don't, Sam. Just go home, have a nice evening and that's it. I am having dinner with your daughter so I have plans for tonight."

"Maya and you?"

"Yes, Charlotte, Maya and me will share a delicious dinner."

I don't know why I had to tell him this. I love Sam as a friend but nothing more. I realized that things would never have worked out between us because of Naomi and our history, Maya and so many other reasons. One of the good things about this pregnancy, I don't have to deal with Sam anymore. I have a reason to keep him away from me by not telling him who the father is. By not telling anybody. But sooner or later I will have to deal with it, I really will.

"Addison …" Suddenly he is standing in front of me, the tight t-shirt he is wearing today is hugging his muscular body perfectly but I don't get this feeling when I see him, I don't feel butterflies or anything, never have. It is Sam nevertheless. "Don't shut me out."

"I'm not." I reply and try to concentrate on the forms I have started to fill with medical data.

"You are," he says and sits down in the chair on the opposite side of the coffee table.

"Sam, don't you get it? I am not interested in you anymore."

"This isn't about love or sex or anything else Addie. This is about you cutting me out of your life."

"And what is the problem?" I hate discussing things with him. He isn't Naomi or Charlotte, who know me this well.. We have had moments we were closer, when Naomi left or we spent time together in the mountains but even then it wasn't like talking to my girlfriends.

"I could be the father …."

"Don't, Sam. This baby has a father and if I ever want to tell him about his child, I will. But in this moment I prefer it this way. It shouldn't be one of your problems. It is my life and my body. I decide when to tell whom about this pregnancy."

"He is married. Isn't he?"

"Yes he is and that's all I am telling you about him. Now leave."

As soon as the words are leaving my mouth I know that it may have been a mistake. I could have been nicer, but I am not in the mood for it. Why is it so important to them who the father is? Because of these miraculous super sperm which were able to even fertilize barren Addison Forbes-Montgomery?

But I am not telling him that I am sorry because I am not really. I really should have told him sooner to back off but I am a nice person and my relationships, romantic or not, are important to me. I hate to piss people off. Especially people I call friends.

Even Charlotte isn't drinking this afternoon. We share freshly made orange juice and laugh a lot instead. Dr. King has been having fun of me and my small belly. Maya's big, she can't hide it anymore and she doesn't want to. She can't wait to have her baby in hands and it won't be long till she has her little daughter.

"So tell us your secret Aunt Addie," Maya says while eating a slice of pizza.

"Secret?". It is the only thing people want to know.

"The guy, Aunt Addie," she said and giggled, "Tell us about the guy." Charlotte was smiling and chewing on her piece of pizza.

"He is tall, has wonderful hair, incredible eyes, nice body and a great voice."

"Okay, so you aren't talking about my daddy."

We all had to laugh.

"No, I am not talking about Sam."

"So … what does he do for a living?"

"He works in a hospital." I say with a smile.

"So, Aunt Addie, why don't you tell him about it?"

"Maya, there are situations when it's better not to tell somebody things like this. Sometimes things are complicated, too complicated."

Maya stares at me wondering at what I have said to her. She might be guessing correctly that I slept with a married man. Maybe not. Perhaps she still thinks that I am a good person.

"So he is married?" She asks. I can read in her eyes that she isn't judging me. So I nod in reply. "Don't you think that you should nevertheless at least tell him that he will soon be a father?"

She is right, I can't disagree. Maybe I should call him soon, send an email or fly up to Seattle. But what will he think of me? It would destroy his marriage. I would declare myself to be the other woman. I can't play this part. I can't tell him. Maybe later. Maybe I won't even have to tell him.

"Don't push it Maya. If she doesn't want to tell us his miracle name we'll have to find it out ourselves."

'Please don't look into my past, Charlotte,' I think but I can't tell her because she wouldn't listen anyway. One thing I learned about Dr. King is that if she really wants something – information, money, anything – she gets it. She has her ways. But please, Charlotte, let it be it. I can only try to make it boring.

"He is nobody special, just somebody I knew back in New York." I lie. I lie to the people who care most at the moment. I lie. "We met again, things happened, I am not proud of it and this," I touch my belly, "is the result of one single night, a mistake."

Both stare at me. Do they believe me? Hopefully. It's the best I can come up with. It is true in a way. I did know him back in New York but he is special, very special.

I can't tell them that it is the man I have loved most of my life. I can't tell them that he is my one and only, the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I can't tell them that there isn't a single night that I haven't though of him since this accident in Egypt. It never should have happened. Never ever. We never should have had the possibility of spending a night together. Never. But it happened and it was my best night in a very long time, in months, in years. I still don't remember all of it but the few minutes which are stored in my memory are hot, passionate and filled with wordless phrases.

"Can you tell us a little more about him? What does he look like Aunt Addie?"

"Tall, handsome, great hair, magnificent bright blue eyes and the perfect hands, the most wonderful nose."

"Oh, so like Uncle Derek?"

"Yeah, similar to him," I say and in the very moment I regret my words because maybe it would lead them to him. "But also different." He wasn't the same anymore. He was different, not somebody she would remember.

Thankfully Charlotte is getting my point and changing the topic of conversation to children names.

"I like Christina a lot but well Dink doesn't like it. He wants Debora if it is a girl."

"And what about a boy?" Charlotte asks and gives me time to leave the room. I head to the bathroom and take a few deep breaths in front of the mirror to clear my head. I am leaning against the bathroom table, studying myself in the mirror. My skin seems to be perfect lately, like I am glowing but it's too early for that.  
Considering that I am over forty I am really happy with the way I look. I don't do a lot of sports, just a little here and there. I try to live healthily and I always try to sleep enough since moving to Los Angeles – it had always been a problem working at a hospital.

Maybe I have been in this small room too long because suddenly I hear a knock on the bathroom door. I am sitting on the edge of the tub, my head in my arms which were in turn resting on my knees and thinking.

"Come in," I say, tired.

Charlotte walks towards me and sits down on the floor in front of the tub, pulling me towards her. It is strange that we, two almost strangers, feel so comfortable around each other. Our backgrounds are somehow quite similar except for the fact that her family is bigger than mine and she is from the South and I the North. We both have money and most of the time we both don't care what other people think about us because we both know that we are good at what we do.

When I softly cry against her shoulder, thinking of the fact that my child will probably never have a father and how I have always dreamt of a perfect family. Perfect family.

"It is Derek, isn't it?" Charlotte asks while patting my hair.

"Have I been that obvious?"

"As soon as Maya said his name your eyes started sparkling and you smiled," she say softly. "You got yourself in quite a mess."

"I know. It isn't like I wanted this to happen, it just did."

"Addison, it isn't important who the father is. You will love this baby so much that it won't need the love of a father."

"But he will find out … it isn't fair … not to tell him about this baby."

"So tell him."

"I can't. I'm not strong enough …"

"Bullshit, you are strong enough. Just find a way to tell him even if he does explode at first."

"I know he will."

"You could send him an email."

"No, it is too impersonal. I mean would you want to hear about something like that reading an email?"

"You're right. But I think you should tell him soon before Amelia tells him that you are visibly pregnant and you can't hide it any longer."

"That's obvious?"

Charlotte touched my belly softly. "This is making its presence known and you don't want to hide it, do you? So tell him, let him know that you – as far as I understand – don't want anything from him."

I nod. She is right. I don't want to hide it, I never wanted to. I want to show my growing belly because I am more than happy and I want to be happy, I deserve it. I deserve happiness.

Over the next two days I tell myself to come up with a solution to this major problem of telling him about the baby. But try as I might I can't come up with something that would work for both sides – me not facing him while telling and being fair about sharing the news face to face. Even telling Amelia about the father of the baby would not be right because how could I load this on her? She is a kid compared to us.

"You could fly," Charlotte says while we share some chocolate on my office sofa.

"Fly where?" a very familiar voice says and suddenly Naomi is standing in the room.

"Oh … nowhere important," Charlotte says and shoves another piece of chocolate into her mouth. She will not give up her position in my life easily because we have grown attached to each other.

The night before she told me about Cooper, Sheldon and her family. I have always thought that my family is complicated, my love life is complicated but hers is really complicated. Her family is typical south, very conservative and she is the only girl. Cooper may love her but isn't able to get over a lot of things that happened in the past, she didn't get into details on this one. Sheldon may be a nice sex partner but for a life? No, she said he wouldn't be her type of man.

While Naomi stares at me, the question of "What type of man do I want as the father of my child?", comes up my mind. And this is easy to answer – I always wanted it to be him and only him.

"Flying to? Addison?"

"I am thinking of going to Seattle for a day or two to get some stuff organized with Richard."

"Oh, Richard is it so …"

"Yes Naomi, it is Richard." I know that I am a bad liar but I cannot help, I cannot tell her the truth because she would judge me for this one night stand. She would blame me for not taking protection and would ask me how often I have been this stupid before.

Naomi is leaving without telling me, us, why she even bothered to came up. I don't care anymore, she has left me twice. I try hard not to care. She wasn't there when I needed her most. Bad timing, I know.

"You should maybe talk with her about what's bothering you," Charlotte says and tries to smile. She knows that I won't do so.

"Charlotte, this isn't your problem. I will deal with it later. I can't do this right now because I have to think about how I am going to tell him about it."

"Call?"

"No, too impersonal. He would think that I am making a bad joke. What if I had to leave a voicemail? 'This is Addie. Sorry to bother you but I just want to tell you that you are going to be a daddy soon.' That's not me."

"Fly up. Tell him. Fly back," Charlotte says and smiles at me.

"You say it like it's so easy."

"It is, Addison. You have nothing to lose. You have the baby. You would only be flying up tell him about this baby, nothing more. You don't want anything from him. Do you?"

She is right. I don't have anything to lose. I let my hand rest on my belly. It is in there and if I take care I will have my own little family. Perfect for me.

"I don't want anything. No money, no shared custody, nothing. But I have to tell him. I can't let the rumors spread because they will. If you found it out that easily, the others will too."

"So go Addie and book a flight, drive up, anything but get over with it. You shouldn't be stressed. You are a high risk pregnancy because of your age, and although you are healthy and everything, you have to keep the stress level down. The sooner you tell him about this pregnancy, the sooner you can sleep through the night again without crying yourself to sleep like before."

On the way home that night I have the printout ticket in my handbag. The flight out is tomorrow morning, the flight back the same night. I can't spend more time up there, I can't let him argue with me or discuss anything. I only want to tell him.

It has never been that hard to choose the right clothes to wear. I want to show my small belly but on the other hand I want to tell him and not let him guess. I decide on a mid-blue Audrey Hepburn style dress, it is a little tighter in the middle and around my chest – maybe I am only imagining it. It is too early anyway to feel remarkable changes already. I don't wear heels this time but flats, my hair is slightly curly, I decide on pearl studs and a matching bracelet. I think Derek got them for me decades ago. Looking into the mirror makes me smile – I wear little make up nowadays, some mascara and eye shadow to make my eyes more blue. I favor blue. The sunglasses are in my hair, holding the curls in place.

"You look nice," Charlotte says, "You really dressed up for him."

"Not for him, for me."

"Hopefully." There was that smile again, that honest smile. Maybe she understood that I am dressed for me, maybe not –it isn't important. She stays at my side, doesn't judge me, takes me as who I am and not who I could be.

Nervously I step out of the airport. I have my cell in hand, I really tried to call him more than once since the plane touched Seattle but I haven't been able to. My other hand is resting on my belly all the time.

It only takes me an hour to finally head into Seattle Grace, walk along the floors that made my life more than miserable. There is no spare room I haven't shed tears in.

First of all there is Cristina noticing me and I imagine she is shooting me a suspicious look.. I only nod.

Since I haven't told anybody about my arrival, there is no warm welcome ready for me.

"Where can I find Dr. Shepherd?" I ask an unknown face.

"The chief is in his office right now," he answers. He doesn't ask who I am or if he can help me to find my way. So Derek really is chief now, something he always wanted to be.

I feel the sweat on my hands already and the nervousness in my stomach as I walk over the glass gate towards Derek's office.

"Addie," I hear a voice calling behind me and I turn around. Mark.

"Hi." I say and try to walk away but it is Mark, you cannot walk away from him.

"What are you doing in Seattle?"

"Oh… nothing important … I …" I didn't plan on meeting somebody else. I am only here to tell Derek. Please Mark, don't give me a hard time. Please.

"How long will you stay?"

"My flight leaves at eight."

"Today?"

"Yes, like I said I have business here, nothing more."

"But …"

"Mark, please," I really beg. "How is your grandson by the way?"

Suddenly a huge smile appears on Mark's face. Having a baby was always Mark's big dream. Something I refused to share with him. He tells me about the little boy, Raphael, and his faces lights up. I never imagined that he would be like this.

But the moment his alarm goes on I know that I have to deal with my own "problems" and there is no way to sweep it under the rug. Maybe this decision to come up and tell him was done too quickly, I now think. I am not sure anymore, not sure why I have to do this now and cannot wait another six months. Or never tell him. It is my baby. I don't want anything from him.

Slowly I make my way towards his office. I knock. He asks me to come in. I think I might die.

"Addison," he said with a smile and kisses my cheek before he offers me a place on the sofa. "What are you doing here?"

I sit there, facing my palms. I have always been good telling people about their problems but bad about sharing mine. Absolutely awful.

"Addie?"

"I have to talk to you. That's why I am here."

"Something wrong? You sick?"

"No Derek, I am not sick."

"Archer? Bizzy? The Captain?"

"Everybody is fine." Now I realize that I also have to tell those people that I am about to destroy a marriage because I couldn't keep my panties up. Hell, I am a girl from Connecticut. I am not supposed to make a husband cheat.

"So?"

I stand up, maybe it is easier to tell him if I don't have to face him. See his unbelievable eyes, those remarkable hair …

"Egypt, remember?" I can feel his insecurity on my back. Eyes boring holes into my back. "Remember the night?"

"Sure. I had a hard time explaining the marks on my back to Mark. What about it?" I am able to see a smile on his lips.

I cannot wait any longer and blurt it out. "I am pregnant."

A/N: Thanks a lot to Claire (my beta) – she is fantastic. Always makes me think again about some of the paragraphs. Love you!


	5. Ch4 Consider me gone again

[Chapter 4 – Consider me gone again]

I look at him. His facial expression is equal to that of a man who is on his way to his first prostate exam. Should I say something more? Should I tell him that I don't want anything from him? That the only reason I am only here is because I think he should learn about it from me in person?

I'm still standing in the middle of the room and Derek stares at me like he never has before. Maybe I would have liked this kind of attention, this kind of shock, during our 10+ years of marriage, but not right now. Anyway, I have a plan on what to tell him and I have to do it now because there is no way I can come up North again anytime soon and things like that have to be discussed in person or via lawyers. I know I have the better ones; I can get everything I want from him. My names buy the best lawyers. It's not what I want. No.

Slowly I walk towards the chair opposite him. I feel like he is staring through me.  
My back is killing me today even in those short heels. Time to wear flats more often or sneakers.

After five minutes I softly say, "Derek?"

I hear a knock on the door and without waiting for Derek's answer somebody enters. Derek doesn't say a word; I turn around and see Meredith in the doorway.

"Hello Meredith," I say in a modest way. "How're you?"

"Addison, I didn't know that you were coming."

"I have business in the city and wanted to say hello quickly but I'm basically on my way out again. I'm leaving tonight again."

"Oh … Derek we need you on a consult."

"Later Meredith, I'm busy at the moment." I can hear the lie in his voice. I know this man too well. At least that's what I thought for years. She excuses herself and leaves but he isn't talking to me yet.

Half an hour later we are still sitting there in the same position. I go through emails on my blackberry but I can't read what they say; I can't concentrate. I am waiting for relieving words like "Thank you for telling me but please leave now", but he doesn't say a word. He's just staring at me. I put my blackberry away and let my hand rest over the soft swell of my belly.

I feel for him because it was a surprise for me too. I didn't plan on getting pregnant. I didn't plan on sleeping with him at all. Maybe I should have tried years ago when we tried to salvage our marriage. Maybe but we didn't. Now things have happened. Things I can't change. If I could turn back time, I think, it would be back to New York, to before things between Mark and me happened. I would try to work on our marriage the first time.

What does it take to get a word out of him?  
I open my handbag and pull the two ultrasound printouts out and put them on the desk in front of him. I cannot sit here and wait till he does something, say something. I stand up, intending to go. If he can't speak to me now, he can call me. He will. Maybe.

I straighten my dress, pick my handbag up and walk towards the door.

"Don't leave," I suddenly hear from behind me. He must have risen from his chair.

I turn around and there he stands in front of his desk, leaning against it. He points to the sofa for me to sit down there. I notice the pictures in his hand. I slowly move. I am insecure about this whole situation. And Addison Forbes-Montgomery isn't insecure.

What if he screams at me for putting his post-it marriage in jeopardy? What if he thinks in his shock that I did it on purpose?

I sit down and watch him move towards me. He sits down right in front of me on the coffee table. Our knees touch. In this very moment this scenes flashes through my brain.

"_Derek, exactly there…" His fingers were in me and we aren't even in the room yet but in a hotel elevator. I want more, I need more. He pushes me against the wall and his fingers work miracles in me. I cannot think straight, something I never could as soon as we did something sexually. I can feel his erection pressed against me, I can feel his need and this smell of sex is already in the air. He knows that he can make me come at any second but he doesn't want to; he likes to torture me._

_The loss of his fingers make me moan and he pulls me towards his room and the next second I am pressed against the back of the door, cloths flying through the room and he guides himself into me._

"_God ….Derek," are the only two words my brain can string together. _

I feel my body tingle all over as I close my eyes, lowering my head so my chin nearly touches my chest, letting my head slowly glide into my hands, elbows resting on my knees. Of course I blame myself for allowing us to be in such a situation. No doubt that we could have been more careful.

"Addison, I don't know what to say….."

"I didn't either."

"I thought you couldn't …."

I nod in response. "It shouldn't have happened … I mean … I was told I was barren."

"Naomi?"

"Yes, Naomi."

"What does she say?"

"We aren't close anymore. I mean …. I don't know …"

I cannot resist when his hands are on mine and he pushes my chin up to look into his eyes.

Without warning somebody again storms into the room. Meredith.

"Knocking?" I say without being asked.

She looks at us in disbelief. We haven't sat this closely in ages. It must look to her like we are having an affair or that I have an untreatable disease. What is she thinking of me, of us now? We are sitting here in a very intimate way but all around us is glass and I already have the feeling that all Seattle Grace knows that I'm here. It will spread like wildfire.

"What do you want?" he says a little harshly towards his wife.

"You said that you would come for the consult." He looks at me questioning and I nod. I know that he has to go and that patients with brain or spine problems seldom have the time to wait.

"Don't leave, Addison. I will be back as soon as possible. Grab something out of the fridge behind my desk. Drink something." His voice is soft and not forceful or anything like that. He is so much friendlier than I had counted on.

I don't know how long I sit in his office, how often I get up and walk around the room. There are no pictures on his desk. The only frames are his diplomas and certifications. No framed wedding picture, none of Meredith, his family or anybody else. It was different before, in New York, he had pictures of us on his desk.

After half an hour I step out of my shoes. Another half hour later I let my legs rest on the coffee table.

"Addison," I hear somebody next to me. I must have fallen asleep.

"Huhh…"God, I want to stretch but this is impossible in a dress like this.

"Sorry it took me so long."

"No problem, " I reply. In the same moment he pulls the ultrasound pictures from his coat pocket.

"Can I keep these?"

"Sure."

"How do you … I mean … what do you…."

"Look Derek," I start. How often have I played this through in my head? "I don't want anything from you, I am not asking for anything. You are married and I am sure that soon you two will have your own family." I take a deep breath. "I only wanted to tell you in person because you know Amelia is in Los Angeles and sooner or later she would have told you that I am pregnant."

"Amelia is in Los Angeles?"

"Over a month now."

"She never said a word."

"I thought she sent you scans from a case we worked on."

"Yeah but never said where she was working. I thought she might still be in Princeton or New York."

"No, she even stayed with me for two weeks. She is amazing, so grown up."

"So back to this," he waves with the print outs. "What do you mean that you don't expect anything?"

"Like I said it. It is my child and I am here to tell you about the fact that I am pregnant and that this is yours but I don't want money or anything."

"You don't need money."

"You know what I mean," I say and brush my fingers through my hair.

"So you tell me that my firstborn will never …"

"No Derek that's not what I am saying. I am saying that I don't expect anything from you. It is up to you what you are willing to give but I don't want shared custody – no sending the kid from Los Angeles to Seattle on a fixed schedule."

Derek nods. We both know that I am right on this, it wouldn't work. There is a silence.

"Look Derek, I thought you would be angry with me."

"I am."

"You are?"

"I am still in a state of shock."

"Come on, yell at me."

"I can't Addison. I don't know what to say. I mean how do you want me to explain this to Meredith? I am married, for God's sake."

"Maybe we should have thought about this before we had this … a… we slept together."

"Why were you gone when I woke up?"

I stand up and I cannot believe what he just asked me. Why did I leave? What did he expect me to do? Wake up next to him for another round of sex?

"It should never have happened in the first place so please don't ask me questions like that." God, he is making me nervous. "What did you want me to do? Ask for a third chance? Derek, you're married."

"I know, I know." He sighs loudly. I remember those.

I am walking up and down; I try to sort my thoughts, my feelings. I have no clue where this brings us. Derek doesn't speak to me, only stares at the pictures.

"Look Derek, I need to get some lunch because I haven't eaten yet. You know how to reach me. It is not like I need an answer from you or anything. I have already decided to keep it. I want this pregnancy the very natural way, at least I want to try it. I have a friend who is willing to go through all the things with me, a good female friend. Like I said, I am not asking for anything. I only wanted you to know."

During the next minutes I get my shoes, my handbag and try to leave the hospital but of course this isn't possible. At the glass gate I already crash into somebody I worked with in New York for a few weeks, although I cannot remember her name.

"Dr. Shepherd?" She asks me.

"Not anymore, it's back to Forbes-Montgomery."

"It has been ages. How long? Ten years?"

"I think so. How are you doing? Working here nowadays I guess."

"Yes, I am. It is kind of a change from Iraq back to Seattle and I don't only mean the weather."

"So you went into cardio? Always thought that you liked pediatrics best."

"I did both for quite some time in Princeton but after 9/11 …. Want to grab some lunch? I'm on break for a bit; my next surgery is late this afternoon."

"Why not?" Slowly I start to remember that her name is Theodora, Theodora Altman. Everybody calls her Teddy though. Together we walk to the cafeteria.

"So where are you nowadays?" She asks me and looks onto my plate. Chicken burger, extra mustard, a peach and milk? But she doesn't say a word about it.

"I'm in Los Angeles, a private practice. No late night surgeries or anything like that."

"Sounds nice."

"It is actually."

She tells me about Iraq and how hard it is to find friends in Seattle Grace. God, I could sing songs about that. She tells me that the only person she can really rely on is Callie – nothing new to me! Cristina and Meredith never accepted her and the men are something on their own. I don't know who Owen is, but the only thing she's talking about is him being Cristina's boyfriend. I let her know that I don't like Cristina a lot. She is a good doctor, but one of the people I never miss being in Los Angeles.

When I leave the hospital we've exchanged numbers and I think she was finally able to take some things off her mind about Seattle Grace. It isn't easy to work there, never has been, especially if somebody is jealous. Oh and of course, she has been in bed with Mark. But who hasn't? It makes me smile even deep in my soul. I think except for Cristina, as far as I know, everybody has slept with him. Manwhore – but one I love.

I'm looking on my cell phone way too often on the way home from Los Angeles airport. The moment the cab stops in front of the house I know that I've to face reality because Charlotte will want to know what happened.

Taking a deep breath, I pay my fee and head out. Before I unlock the door I stay still for a moment and really think about what I can tell her. Yes, I told Derek but that's it.

I walk inside, slowly, and notice that she is sitting on the sofa, a blanket wrapped around her, reading a book.

"Hey you," I say and smile towards her. I admit knowing that somebody is home to talk makes a warm feeling spread through my body.

"How are you, Addison?" She asks me and gets up from the sofa.

"Tired. I am going to take a shower and change. It's late. Can we talk afterwards?"

"Sure," she says and walks towards the kitchen while I go upstairs to get cleaned up. I am not a big fan of planes and everything connected to them.

Like in the morning I stand in front of the mirror and study my body. Nobody really noticed my belly in Seattle so maybe it is only me who already sees the changes. Today also taught me not to wear a lace bra again, my nipples don't like being rubbed against lace, not even expensive lace. On the plane back I even got rid of the bra.

Freshly showered and clad in navy blue silk pajamas I sit down next to Charlotte and am waiting for her to ask those uncomfortable questions. But she doesn't.

"There was a call for you, I picked up."

"When and who was it?"

"While you were under the shower and I think it was your mother, Bizzy isn't it? Well she is coming west next weekend because she has some charity event in Hollywood to attend."

Great, something I really need now, to deal with my mother in a situation I'm not sure yet how to deal with myself. Maybe it's the best to tell her straight off that I'm pregnant. Maybe I should tell her that I don't know who the father is because it was artificial insemination. She wouldn't believe me. Maybe a one night stand?

"Thanks. Did she say anything more?"

"No but I think she doesn't like me."

"She doesn't like anybody not even me, so don't worry about her."

"Really? Well I think she wants to stay here so maybe I should …."

"No, you are living with me. There is still the second guestroom or she can stay in a hotel. I remember last time … no, let's not think about it."

I take a sip of my still hot tea and lean back against the back of the sofa.

"How did Derek react?"

"I would tell you, but since I don't know myself…"

"What do you mean? You didn't tell him?"

"I did."

"And?"

"No real reaction so far. He didn't yell or anything. I told him that I don't expect anything and he didn't react, nothing. I think he was in shock"

"Maybe it needs a day or two to sink in?"

I nod. I had hoped that Derek might have called. What's wrong with me? Before I left I was comfortable with the idea of raising this kid on my own and now I want a dad involved? I mean a week ago I didn't even want t o tell Derek at all and now I hope that he wants some involvement. I don't know what's wrong with me.

He has no clue what joy he has brought into my life. He has made all my dreams come true – something I longed for ages and he made it true. I don't need to share it. For ages he was my voice when I couldn't speak, my strength when I was weak, my eyes when I couldn't see, he saw the best in me – but then I gave everything away for a single night of passion. With his best friend.

"Go to bed Addison. Don't think about this. He will call; give him some time."

In bed I can't sleep for the next hour. I turn, rolling from one side to the other. I get up, drink something, go the toilet, splash water onto my face. Another hour later I gather my courage and slowly walk towards Charlotte's room. The door isn't closed. Without asking I crawl in next to her. Of course I wake her but the only thing she does is letting her hand rest in mine, letting me feel that I am not alone in this, like I was feeling at that moment. She is there.

The sun wakes me up, sunrays playing on my face. I am alone and still in Charlotte's bed. I think I have never been in this room since she shares the house with me. I like her silk sheets, paisley print.

Slowly I rise, grabbing my robe and walk towards the kitchen. I am sorry for last night. I am not the type that usually crawls in with somebody.

She's standing in the kitchen preparing breakfast, wearing a very pink robe. I have never seen something that bright on her before, orange sometimes but pink? Never thought she would opt for this color.

"I am sorry Charlotte…"

"Don't be Addie." She smiles and hands me a glass of juice.

"No I really am. I feel like I shortchanged you."

"You didn't." She turns towards me, hops onto the counter and smiles. "Look Addison. Things aren't easy for you and somehow I feel like we have a connection. At least I've this feeling that … I don't make friends easily… I'm good pushing people away but with us it is different. I feel like I can talk with you and you care."

I smile. I wonder how long she may has thought about these words before telling me because it is hard on her like it would be on me.

"So, have you given Lamaze a thought?" That's what I call a change of topic. From our friendship to gymnastics.

"No, I haven't. Remember I haven't known for that long that I'm pregnant and this wasn't planned."

"But you're a doctor and you did a lot of thinking."

"I did and do but I haven't thought that far. Eventually I will try Lamaze, I want the natural way the whole way through – no drugs, nothing as long as possible. I always said epidurals are something good but I think … "

"You'll want the drugs." She said and laughed.

Maybe I am checking my blackberry more often than usually for any sign from Derek but there is none. It's been four days and nothing, nothing from him. Maybe it's time to give up; maybe it was a big mistake on my part to tell him. Perhaps there are too many things I haven't thought of before telling him, like how he would handle the whole situation with Meredith.


	6. Ch5 Prima Donna

[Chapter 5 – Prima Donna ]

Even a month after visiting Seattle I stare at my blackberry way too often. At least that's what Charlotte says. I am sitting in my office chair and am about to type an email to ask Derek if he ever wants to contact me – what his role might be in this, if he wants one at all.

But closing my eyes I always hear Charlotte telling me that he needs time, reminding me that Derek is married now and that this isn't just his decision anymore.

I think that if Meredith knew, somebody from Seattle would have called already, somebody would have said something. Callie, Yang, somebody

My guess is that he still hasn't told anybody about this pregnancy and so it occurs to me, sitting in my office chair, that his decision has been made – his decision not to be involved. I can't blame him for it. Life has to go on. I can't change what he has decided. I offered him a chance which he didn't take. God, Derek, I only want my child to have a father. I don't need you to make a commitment towards me.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Pete asks and steps into the office, closing the door behind him.

"Sorry … I was daydreaming. How long have you been standing there?"

"Five minutes? Not important. So what's going on Addie?"

"Nothing." I try not to say anything, not to let people know that somehow I am not one hundred percent there because my thoughts are in Seattle.

He walks around the desk, sits down on it and pulls my head into his side. He has done it millions of times and it really does comfort me. "Don't give me this Addie, I know you. I know something is going on."

"Don't you have stuff to take care of?" I ask, trying to get out of it, but it doesn't work.

"At the moment I want to take care of you." The moment he starts to rub my back everything is gone and the only thing I could do is let the tears well up and run. We feel connected, always had, but it was a matter of time. It should never have happened in the first place; we are coworkers and after Seattle I established the small rule of "Never fuck the office" which had nearly been broken the day I arrived in LA.

I shouldn't let myself go but I do. I cry. I cry into Pete's shirt and he has no clue why. He only senses that something isn't working out. Pete never asks questions, he waits till the person is able to tell him. Or not. He offers comfort.

Charlotte sees us. I only see her blond hair walking by. Did she notice? We will talk tonight. We always do. Sometimes it feels like private therapy. I talk to her and she talks to me.

I pull myself together and lean back into the chair, watching Pete.

"Everything okay with you and Violet?"

"No."

"Pete?"

"Things aren't working out. She is the mother of my son and my colleague but that's it. She brings too much baggage and she isn't willing to work on it. At least not at the moment. We tried. I tried. It's the best for Lucas. For me."

"I am sorry."

"Don't be Addie, don't be. You always had the feeling that it wouldn't work." Did I really? Maybe I had said it once or twice? I talked to him about Violet in the hope that he would not pry.

Charlotte walks on the terrace a little after eight at night with a glass of red wine in hand. I am sitting on my ottoman reading one of those name books. Pete had given it to me earlier today. I am only at C and I've already seen so many names I dislike. Some that made me smile and many that made me laugh – Celestin. Who wants to name a baby after a pope? Carlos – A soccer player? A guitarist? No. It has to be a classical name, matching Forbes-Montgomery. Not an easy goal so far.

I learned today – I want some epidural. The mother was in labor for 32 hours. Heavy labor. I will not do the natural birth thing, not after watching her being in pain for almost a day and a half.

"What are you doing?"

I show her the book.

"Oh already thinking of names. Isn't it a little early?"

"I have to get my mind of the fact that Derek doesn't want to be involved."

"You don't know that, Addison," she says and sits down next to me. "You have to give him time. You just told him that he's going to be a father that you and not his wife will give birth to his firstborn."

"But … I mean …" I want to hear a yes or no from his side, something. I can even live with some yelling and everything he wants to say. I just want to hear his voice. I want to know what I should expect, what the future might bring.

Okay, I am lying to myself. I want him involved. I want Derek to be at my side. I want him to be there when our baby is born.

I am good at it. Lying to myself. Yes. Addison, your marriage will work again, just give it some time. No Addison, he will leave her. Addison, he sleeps next to you, think of it. Addison …

Maybe the best would be just to give up and move on.  
Move on and give this little something the best of me, not some mother who cries herself to sleep, refuses to eat sometimes and has days when she only want to get drunk to forget the sorrows.

_From: m_grey_shepherd _

_To: _

_Addison,_

_I am going to try to be honest with you. I am disappointed. I didn't think that you would do such a thing. Not you. Not with Derek. _

_Meredith Grey-Shepherd _

He has told her about my pregnancy. She knows but he doesn't tell me. He doesn't speak to me. He doesn't write to me. He doesn't let me know what he has decided. I want to know.

"Addison?"

I look up and see Charlotte in the doorframe of my practice room.

"Hey Addie, what's up?" It has been two months since I was in Seattle, two months since I told him. My pregnancy is more than obvious to everybody. It isn't a small bump anymore but a real belly. I am not hiding it. Most of the day it is my joy to feel the Munchkin move inside me. I never thought that it would be an experience like this. Magic. A Munchkin.

Charlotte came up with this nickname because I always said "it" and she insisted that the baby is not an'it' and named it Munchkin.

My Munchkin. My baby.

Charlotte walks around my table and reads the email. Twice. Three times.

"Don't cry Addie," she says and hugs me from behind. I hadn't noticed that tears were running down my face. "He took his time or she needed time to …"

"I don't care anymore Charlotte. It's been two months, two fucking months and no word from Seattle and suddenly I get this email from his wife."

"What did you expect? That she was going to come to LA? A phone call?"

"Nothing, I didn't expect anything from Meredith …."

"What would you do in her position?"

"Don't."

"Well?"

"I would kill him then cut his balls off." Charlotte chuckles behind me.

"See and she only wrote you an email, telling you that she is disappointed."

"Does she think that I did it on purpose? My relationship with Derek and his family is already complicated enough even without this baby. His mother thinks I am an adulterous … since Mark, some of his sisters never liked me and …. I mean … the two who like me … as soon as I tell them about this," I say and let my hand rest on my belly, "they will hate me. "

"They won't. Remember sex always involves two people."

"Will I get a bill from the sex-doc for this advice?"

We both laugh.

"See Addison, you keep thinking you're in this all by yourself but remember you aren't because we, Pete and I, will always be around."

"Pete …" Maybe I should never have let him go, I think in this very moment, maybe I should have really given it a chance and work things out. Then maybe this baby would be ours, would have a father.

"Don't Addie, he is a friend and you know it. You have been friends with benefits and you loved Lucas that's why you stayed together even after everything. Pete is Pete."

I nod. She is right. She very often is these days. I will raise my baby on my own, alone. If my Munchkin ever asks for his dad, I will tell him or her about Derek. It is up to him how involved he wants to be.

Charlotte walks off and leaves me alone with my thoughts and an afternoon full of pregnant or want-to-be-pregnant patients.

"You look tired," Charlotte says when I walk into the kitchen. And I am. The baby is kicking and playing soccer with my bladder.

"Thanks. That's really what I need to hear." I walk to my answering machine, nothing…yet again. "You cooking?"

"Yep … I try my best, veggies."

"Great. I am going to lay down a little bit. Call when it's ready."

I walk towards the sofa and as soon as I sit down my cell rings. Bizzy. My mother.

"Addison," she says questioning.

"Bizzy how are you?"

"Okay. Have you found out about your child's father?"

"Can we not argue about this anymore? I told you, mother, that I know who the father is but he isn't involved into this. When the kid is old enough I may tell him or her who he is."

"Montgomeries don't … "

"Don't tell me what Montgomeries do, mother. Remember, you are married and sleep with women, so just don't."

"Addison Forbes …."

"Bizzy, if you don't want to be a grandmother don't call anymore. I don't need all this. If the Captain wants to be involved, he can. I want a grandfather for my baby … your first grandchild. When you were in LA we discussed it more than one night and this is unbearable. I have to figure a few things out and you are no help."

Not letting anything more be said, I put the phone aside and let myself rest. I need to rest. I am tired most of the time, most of my fashionable cloths don't fit anymore, haven't for quite some time now. My feet are swollen. I feel good. I feel feminine. But tired.

I take my cell again into my hand. I am about to type Derek's number in when Charlotte comes into the room, looking for me. I want to talk to him, I need to know what's up but I cannot make myself take this big step. I leave without dialing.

Celebrating Amelia's birthday means going out, appearing in the public. I argue with myself whether I should go or not because they will all be drunk in the end and I'll be the only one who remembers their actions. Usually I would get drunk too but this isn't an option anymore. I let my hand rest on my belly and wish to God that things would change.  
I didn't reply to Meredith's email; I didn't call Derek – maybe I should.

I dress in a tight pair of white very low cut jeans and an emerald green baby doll cut blouse – I try not to wear those maternity tents. But it gets more and more complicated if you like to wear the style you were used to. I changed my wardrobe a lot. Standing in front of it, makes me realize that maybe I will never fit into some of those cloths again. My hips flared out already a little bit and my breasts exploded. I always have been comfortable with my body but I look more feminine than ever before nowadays. At least I feel more womanly.  
Those tight Audrey Hepburn dresses in silk … I could give them away, it isn't me anymore. I've changed. My behavior has changed. My style. I dress elegantly and fashionably but also sportier. I like thin cotton blouses: silk skirts which can rest low on my hips and gives my belly the space it needs. I even got myself a small tattoo – nobody knows about it yet. It is on my hipbone. A tiny rose with the date of the conception along the stem.

I would prefer to stay in bed, lying naked on my side, watching TV, reading a book or just sleeping. My legs hurt, my back is killing me and I could use a directly installed toilet in my bed because somebody likes to play billiard with my bladder. Who would have guessed that being pregnant would introduce me to those new pains I always tell women about? I constantly say that they are bearable and will be forgotten as soon as the newborns are in their arms. But right now, while pushing the flats of my hands into my lower back, I cannot imagine that I will ever forget it.

"Are you coming?" Charlotte asks dressed in a very low cut pink dress which didn't hide any of her remarkable features.

"Sure," I finish the mascara, slip into a pair of flats and walk with her to the car. I can feel my Munchkin move more and more every day. Being a doctor makes you expect things to happen but it doesn't tell you how it will feel, how it will make you feel. You may wait for the first move but it comes unexpectedly nevertheless.

Amelia is turning 30 tomorrow and so the whole team from Oceanside Wellness decided to celebrate today because it's Friday. We got a table at a nice restaurant at the seaside. They talked about going dancing later; I declined.

Entering the restaurant makes me swallow hard. Derek's mother is sitting next to Sam and Pete, chatting with them happily. The moment she notices me she walks towards me, hugs me, kisses me and I don't know what to say. Ideas of what to say are going through my head at this moment: "Carolyn, do you want to meet your grandchild?" or "You know, in this belly your new grandchild is developing." Or should it be "Carolyn, your son isn't interested in his firstborn but I don't want to exclude you from it."

"It's so good to see you Addison. You look radiant," she says and doesn't let go off me.

"Thanks," I mumble. What more can I reply?

"This pregnancy fits you. Amelia told me all about it." What can Amelia know? "You will be a great mother, I've always thought it." Don't Carolyn! Don't, you always thought that I may poison your son with my food, forget about a child … just don't!

We all sit together and have dinner, make small talk and everybody wants to know about the baby. A few days ago I decided that I want to know what it will be – a girl. So my Munchkin is feminine. I even start to think about names. Katherine …. Michaela … Josephine … Olivia … Julia… Eleanor …. There are so many wonderful names for girls.

Pete is sitting next to me during the main course and we talk about Lucas, like old times.

"He is so big already," I say and watch the little boy playing with the spoon.

"Yes and he is already talking but you know he is a little shy and there are quite a few people he doesn't know."

"I remember the day that I spent with him in the tub when he was sick."

"The night I said that I loved Violet while I was in bed with you," he said very silently. I only nod. I cannot reply. On the one hand it is good the way it was because if not, I wouldn't be pregnant now. On the other – we had something wonderful.

Lucas tries to get out of his highchair and I walk towards him and get him out. Together we head out onto the beach. It is still warm and Lucas loves to play in the sand with his shovel. I sit down on a blanket and think that maybe in two years I will sit here with my girl, playing, building castles.

My little one is playing trampoline but thankfully not on my bladder this time but turning around, doing somersaults. My hand is resting on my belly, trying to sooth her a little bit when Lucas walks towards me with a little shell in his hand.

"Shell?" He somehow asks.

"Yes Lucas, that's a shell. Will you find another one for me?" He nearly runs off on his small feet searching the area around me for another one. Within ten minutes he has about twenty shells and is very proud of himself.

"Juice please," he says and we have to get back in.

Slowly I stand up, which is getting more and more complicated, take the blanket and carry Lucas inside. But when I enter the room the world stops turning.

"Addison," I hear Charlotte talking to me from the side, her hand on my lower back. Lucas is crying in my arms and I didn't notice it. "Addison," she says again and it takes me some seconds, minutes to realize that she wants to the screaming kid from my hip and make me sit down. I cannot. I am standing in the doorway and thankfully it seems like nobody has noticed me coming in except for Charlotte and Pete. Pete is trying to rouse me and I don't want to know what he is thinking in the very moment. Its Pete nevertheless and he knows me.

With his back to me Derek is sitting opposite Amelia with his post-it wife. I want to leave, I need to leave. I need to run and get some composure back, hide and wait it out. But in the very moment I turn around I hear Amelia's voice behind me.

It had been only one remarkable night,.  
And I still feel his breath on my body as soon as his eyes lock with mine.  
Because nobody ever touched my body like Derek touched me.  
We did something amazing.  
A night to remember.

Derek stands up and walks towards me. I don't know what to say. I want to tell him so many things but this isn't the right time or place. God, the way he moves – I already see him moving above me again. Don't close your eyes Addison or you will be lost. Completely.

I suddenly notice Meredith standing behind him. I ignore her. He seems to ignore her, in this very moment at least.

I try to push the pinkish clouds away when I look deep into his eyes. I try to be Addison, the one everybody expects me to be. I cannot lose control over the so perfectly made up story now. But when his hand touches mine it makes my belly tighten deep inside, my nipples pucker. My blood pumping faster through my body. A simple touch. God, forgive me but I need to die right now, please. I cannot survive this very moment without embarrassing myself completely.

I hear the guitar strings of Paco de Lucía, the soft sound, the first beats of this famous Bryan Adams song. But is this real or am I imagining it? I softly shake my head; try to take a deep breath but it's still there.

"_To really love a woman …. Let her hold you … Do you know how she needs to be touches? …. You gotta breath her … Really taste her … To you can feel her in your blood … Then when you can see your unborn children in her eyes … You know you really love a woman" _

Charlotte is behind me again. I can smell her herbal perfume. It's heavy. But it's so Charlotte. "Breathe," she is whispering into my ear. I really hope nobody noticed it. I take a deep breath and shake hands with Derek and Meredith. I don't know how to react to her email. I ignored it. I don't want to talk about something that we can't change anymore, something I don't want to change, something I don't want to undo.

I sit down next to Pete without talking to Derek. I have to get home soon. I cannot be in the same room and not ask him about his decision. But maybe coming south with Meredith is showing me the way he wants things to go? Maybe she is already pregnant too.

Three hours later, without saying goodbye to anybody except for Pete and Charlotte I leave the restaurant and walk home. I need some exercise to clear my head and the only way to get any is walking.

What is he doing in LA? Well, his sister's birthday. But why didn't he call? Why didn't he let me know that he might come? Did he only tell Meredith because of their visit here?

I walk through my house to sit on the terrace a little bit, calm down. I am still feeling aroused just by knowing he is in the same room. Damn hormones. There are moments I only want to cry, without a real reason, and moments I only need something else, something I don't go without for such a long time. Sex. Animalistic sex. Passion. Sweat. Screams.

The second I open the patio door I see him standing there, watching the ocean play against the beach. I want to run. But I need to face the situation.

I don't say anything; my lips are sealed when I lean against the glass door.

He turns around.

My hands are locked behind my back. I want to close my eyes and think of England, think of something to smooth my pulse down but nothing works. He is wearing dark blue jeans and a crisp white shirt. His hair is grayer and cut shorter than before.

I don't need to say something. He has noticed my presence already and turns around. I don't know what to say and looking into his eyes I would say, he feels the same. We only stare at each other for a little while.

He opens his mouth twice before a word comes out.

"She knows."

I nod.  
I know.

"She is angry with me."

I shrug my shoulders.  
A triumphant smile on my lips.

The distance between us gets smaller.

It has never been my goal to make them separate, make him miserable after I left for Los Angeles.

"You would be angry with me too."

"You would already be dead."

"The Montgomery charm."

"No, it isn't but its reality. I would have killed you, chopped your penis off and …."

"Don't Addison, mental images."

For a second we both laugh. His face suddenly turns serious again. "She wants you to sign some papers so I don't have to pay for the baby. I told her that we've never discussed this. She …"

"Derek, if you don't stop talking about what Meredith wants, I will leave and go to bed to get a good night's sleep!"

He doesn't say a word. His eyes fixed on the floor. What does he want me to say? I turn around and step into my living room. How can he talk about what Meredith wants when he stands in front of me … me and our baby?

"Wait."

I pause in my step and slowly turn around. His face is hard, his hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans. He isn't looking into my eyes. And I start to ask myself what he wants. Why he followed me. How much everybody else suspects now.

It has to be something difficult because he starts twice before things come out the correct way.

"I don't want those papers. If you want support, I'll pay it. I also want to see it."

"Her."

"Her?"

"Yes, a girl."

I can see a soft smile in his eyes. He would be such a great father.

"Can we sit down?"

Seconds later we sit next to each other on my sofa, his elbows are on his knees, his head in his hands.

"I told her about the baby before we left for Los Angeles. I told her because she found the ultrasound pictures in my wallet."

"You carry them in your wallet?" My voice was nearly a whisper, not as strong as planned.

"Of course. It's the only thing I have from my firstborn … the only thing I might ever get from her."

"I said you can … I just don't … Derek, look at me." Slowly he lifts his head. "I don't want to take her away from you, I just don't want her to be pushed around. You can come and see her … holidays. But she has to have one home, not two. One mother, not two."

"I understand," he says and his voice is unsteady.

I study his face and my eyes wander to his lips, those luscious lips. I want to suck on them, touch them, lick them, kiss them. Addison! Hold yourself together! It's somebody else's husband!

"Go home Derek."

"I want you to understand. I want to be here for you and the baby."

"You live in Seattle."

"You could move …"

"No, Derek. You are married and your home is in the North and I have a new life here in California."

"But …"

I want him to live here. I want him to be here for me and our little girl. I want him to be here when the baby is born. I want … I want so many things from him in the very moment. My arousal is growing steadily.

He is breathing heavily. God, since when can something turn me on like this? Is it that he is the first man in months who is near me or is it the fact that it is Derek?

I am leaning back against the back of the sofa and my hand is resting on my stomach. Little girl, could you please not kick against my hand? Now, I have to think about what to say next.

Minutes of silence.

"Can I feel her?" I nod. Of course he can.

Without asking he lifts my blouse and puts his hand on my bare belly. His hand is warm, not hot but wonderfully warm. His skin soft. His nails cut short. No ring. No ring?

And of course his hand is not exactly where she is kicking again at the moment. I let my hand rest over his and move a little up towards my ribcage. The moment she feels the soft push against her body she kicks against it.

I can only do one thing, close my eyes and commit this moment of comfort to my memory.

* * *

_A/N: Thanks to Claire for kicking my butt all the time! She's just fantasitic._

_I really should devote this chapter to Ilaria who bugged me when it will finally be up ;) _


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